Ben Affleck: Have You Ever Considered Autism For The Cause of Your Lousy Relationship History?

Stop Acting Like a Naive Prom Princess From a Small Town Who Just Got Off The Bus In Los Angeles.

I’m not much of a celebrity watcher but the ‘Bennifer’ saga is such an over-saturated media frenzy that it’s impossible to ignore. While watching a sound bite, I noticed a familiar behavior pattern and started seeing Ben Affleck in a whole new light.

I don’t watch a lot of movies but my curiosity was piqued enough that I sat through The Accountant. Some of how it attempted to portray those on the autism spectrum was good and echoed similar sentiments I wrote about for understanding those with lower support needs, but the majority of the movie was the usual hackneyed autistic-coded stereotype society believes to be true but nonetheless, misses the mark. I await for the sequel with hopeful anticipation that it might enrich society’s understanding, but I am a realist and expect that it most likely will fall short just like the first movie. Since Hollywood doesn’t seem to have the will because it cares more about its till, while gaslighting how their ‘craft’ is serving as advocacy, I thought I’d take a stab with my ‘craft’ as an antidote to the festering boil of ignorance such movies amplify. My till is empty so the only dog I have in this fight is championing for those of us who are the invisible among the seen as we are still forced to hide in plain sight.

I don’t think society quite understands fully of what life is like for those with lower support needs as it is often so imperceptible, that not only is it missed by teachers, parents, friends and family, it is missed by the autist themselves. Except it’s not ‘really’ missed in the sense that just because they’re unaware of its existence doesn’t mean it’s not wreaking havoc on their lives. It exacts the same personal toll for the unaware as it does for those who are aware but refuse to avail themselves to unlearning unhelpful behaviors and unwilling to connect the dots, whether by lack of awareness or with deliberate intent, that the strife in their life is caused by how they interact with everything that comes into their orbit, not the other way around.

My curiosity still piqued, I did background research, reading about Affleck’s upbringing, his struggles with alcohol, discomfort with fame and his challenges with his romantic partners. I also watched several interviews where it was him one on one; with his wives as well as interviews with friends. When I research a project, I’ll first watch videos with the sound off so I can study the body language and then I’ll watch with the sound on to hear if the tonal inflections and body language match. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that Affleck need not try so hard to act autistic for The Accountant, as all he really needed to do was be Ben Affleck. It’s like this Ben; whether you realize it or not, I strongly suspect you’re neurodiverse and your ability to be a high masker has prevented you from seeing this detail. It’s ok boo, I did it too and found out about my own neurodiversity at 55. Before the brigading of “You’re not a doctor, you can’t diagnose” begins, this is just my opinion based on living the autistic life and having pattern recognition skills above and beyond the average person. You might say it’s a bit of a superpower. Also, first, I don’t care what anyone thinks as it’s my opinion and second; well, er, there is no second.

When I watched the interviews, the low eye contact was easy to spot even with him being a skilled performer who’s aware of the camera and how to position himself. The thing I was looking for was his barely perceptible self-soothing or ‘stim’ and found it within minutes during the first interview I watched (he grasps his hands and rubs this fingers together). I saw it in every interview to varying degrees. Affleck’s need to stim stood out like a bat signal when compared to the very neurotypical body language of his ever present wingman, ‘bro Matt Damon. I did notice that the more comfortable or connected he felt prior to going on camera, the less he stimmed which isn’t unusual for high maskers. Society has been programmed to believe that all autistics have t-rex arms and awkwardly move but that’s just a stereotype. I’ve never had t-rex arms nor have I ever gone through a memorizing all the water tables phase. My self-soothing stims are subtle because I learned early on that neurotypical society is uncomfortable with adventitious movement in social situations so I had to learn stims that didn’t draw scrutiny. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed that I even realized that certain fidgets I do was stimming.

A lot has been made in the press about Ben always having a grumpy look on his face. What society jocularly calls ‘resting bitch face’ is actually a game face to give us time to process the over saturation of data we intake. Allistics are much better at filtering out everything except the core information needed to assess a situation while autistics intake data like trying to drink from a firehose. We need extra time to filter out unnecessary information and it is mentally fatiguing whether we’re ordering from Starbucks or working on a major career project. To us, both scenarios require the same amount of mental processing.

Many who are neurodiverse and don’t know it have struggles with addictive behaviors or habits as this offers some palliative, albeit temporary, relief from the 24/7 brain whirring. Those who are neurodiverse without supports on how to manage emotional dysregulation or sensory overload are at higher risk for dependencies or addiction. Affleck’s patterns with regard to his struggles with alcohol and dependency on cigarettes (cigarettes possibly being another stim) fits this pattern.

Just like the research I did on the piece I wrote about Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller’s tumultuous marriage, I came upon an old interview with Affleck that gave some gravitas to my speculations. It was around the time his career was on the rise after Good Will Hunting and he was talking about his romantic relationships. During this time he was quickly making the rounds among A-list actresses, leaving some broken hearts in his wake. In a moment of self-awareness, he admitted that he tries to go with the flow in a relationship, thinking that’s what he’s supposed to do but inside, he’s feeling unheard. Growing resentful as a result, he distances himself instead of communicating how he’s feeling.

While I don’t believe that everything printed in the tabloids is true and much of it is fabricated, there is still enough that gets reported that’s real and those exploits show a distinct pattern. Ben’s not very good at being able to self-soothe when he’s feeling sensory overload and the paparazzi are right there to catch every car door slam and resting bitch face moment speculating about trouble in paradise.

Paradise for someone who is unaware of their neurodiversity and has the ability to be a high masker does not last very long. Masking can be exhausting if not done with intention. I’ll bet in the beginning of every relationship, on a mental vacation from all the grown up decisions that need to be made, things are amazing and Affleck is probably a lot of fun to be around because he seems very intelligent and witty. Most relationships have a honeymoon phase but it means something completely different when one partner is neurodiverse. It’s not a honeymoon phase, it’s a special interest phase and once reality creeps back in, the cracks begin to show from being unable to manage the demands and responsibilities of an adult relationship. That’s when he starts to pull away leaving his partner confused and hurt from the void of communication. I’m not so sure Affleck is able to articulate how he feels; all he knows is he isn’t happy and stops there, unable to put in the necessary effort to fix what’s broken, blaming his partner for the breakdown in communication.

“The reasonable man adapts themselves to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable men.” - George Bernard Shaw

Said every autistic refusing to consider how their behavior affects others and continues to repeat the same patterns over and over again with zero self-introspection

Someone who does not know they are neurodiverse is always trying to escape the emotional demands of a relationship because they lack the skills on how to self-soothe in moments of distress. Autism is greek for auto which means self so at its baseline is a self-focused world view. What gets labeled as selfish and narcissistic is usually egoism, the difference between being a noxious behavior versus one of diffidence is intent. Regardless that the intent generally isn’t coming from a place of malice, to the person having to absorb the destructive behaviors and hurt directed at them, the distinction is dubious at best. Being treated poorly is wrong regardless of why and it is the responsibility of the person doing the mistreating to take responsibility and make the necessary repairs. Like the many autists I know who have similar patterns, Ben will probably say that in his defense he is just doing self-care, protecting himself when the relationship becomes strained. I say, the difference between self-care and selfishness is the reflection of actions taken and the quality of the repair and it’s wholly up to him to fix it. No whataboutisms accepted.

I’m sure Ben’s got a punch card for couple’s counseling because he’s a frequent flyer and that it’s failed miserably. Most couple’s counseling is based on the Gottman framework and while I highly respect Gottman’s work, the framework is based on neurotypical communication patterns that aren’t well suited for autistics because autism is a pragmatic language disorder. Gottman’s concepts are spot on, it’s the exercises on how to improve communication is where the disconnect lies.

Grief is at the heart of most autistic relationships (whether friendship or romantic), especially if there is childhood trauma. Usually the trauma stems from one of the caregivers in the family of origin, who is also undiagnosed. That’s how it was in my family and my husband’s family, and this is how we are bequeathed the chains of intergenerational trauma. With this grief comes toxic shame that wraps itself like a python around its prey and unless skills are taught on how to ameliorate these unhealthy patterns, its corrosive influence will show up in every relationship or interaction we are unable to fully control. This need for toxic control is a maladaptive self-soothing mechanism but how it manifests is what frays the relationship bonds.

Ben’s ‘type’ seems to be strong, independent, confident women. Autists do best in partnerships where one partner is a ‘boss’ and good at getting things done, but also have a nurturing side. The relationship becomes strained from the lack of reciprocity. Autists with impaired self-awareness generally don’t see their significant others as individuals but rather extensions of themselves; playing pieces in their own personal game. Intellectually, they understand their significant others are separate from them but when they make an emotional connection, and lack the skills to manage those emotions, arguments start when the other person expresses a difference of opinion. Fearing a loss of control, unhelpful behaviors like stonewalling, which Gottman identifies as one of the toxic behaviors that destroys a relationship, begin to appear. Unable to make a repair, the autist falls into a coping pattern of learned helplessness where they make themselves the victim to deflect accountability.

What finally tweaked me enough to sit down and write something was the shaming of JLo for essentially being a strong woman. You think just anyone can be JLo? Do you have any idea how hard it is to become her? How much work, strategizing and maneuvering around the extra obstacles in our (still) patriarchal system to become a legend like her? I’ll bet JLo bent over backwards trying to please Ben, just like Jennifer Garner tried beforehand. But it’s a fool’s errand because of the deep grief he carries. I’m sure past partners have tried their best to please him and even if he gets what he wants, will capriciously change his mind so quickly that you’d get whiplash trying to keep up. It’s Dostoevsky Bingo where even at peace, man will break shit just to see what happens. It’s a constant game of trying to stay one step ahead. Just when it looks like there will be calm, they begin to panic, their mind scrambling from fear and a crazy whim will appear out of nowhere to fill the space where peace once occupied briefly.

The media has been hurling the predictable aspersions of narcissism and diva that always seem to accompany contentious breakups. As someone who has been there and whose day job is as a coach for high functioning adults on the spectrum, I think JLo is doing her best to hide a broken heart and keep moving forward. For the way Ben and his pack of ‘bro brats are carrying on about how JLo’s level of fame was too much for him, he is acting like a deflowered, small town, midwestern prom princess seeking stardom who just got off at the Greyhound terminal in Los Angeles and wonders how they ended up in the valley making porn.

Dude, please point out the terminal where you disembarked from that bus so I can add it to the map of star attractions because this naivety like a small child who still believes in the tooth fairy is aging like milk. The prom princess ended up making porn because she went to the producer’s house and when things didn’t happen the way she thought they ‘should’ cried foul; meaning, she needs to take personal responsibility as her behaviors and actions come with consequences. Your relationships struggle because you lack the skills on how to be vulnerable and open with your partners when it comes to expressing your own needs and because you also don’t know how to meet theirs. You’re closed off; emotionally under repair and until you fix that, the magic 8 ball says, “Don’t count on it” for future success with another romantic partner.